Let me just put it out there. Things NEVER go according to plan.
Lately with ministry ramping up and family transitions going on, it is getting more and more difficult to find the time to do everything we want to do. I love my family, I do anything for them. One thing I cannot seem to get past is finding peace in when things are so chaotic and emotionally taxing. I admit that I have these small pockets of time to gain some quiet and peace, but they do not last long. Or maybe, I feel they are not long enough. Then before we know it, the rollercoaster starts all over again.
Why do I mention this? It is important to remember how you were before Christ changed you in some way. Upon your first day of accepting Him as your savior to the point where you have matured and grown in Him, it is important to see the things you have struggled through, and know where you are, so that you can see what God is doing in your life.
I believe the most memorable time this camp for me was experiencing the campfire session. We had just completed the sermon time with Arjay and now we were waiting to get the fire lit for the intimate time together. Mason and Micah had been up all day and now they were showing signs of needing to go to bed. Miki seemed to be struggling with them for most of the day, and now wanted to share this time with the group as well. But we had to think of the kids.
I was torn between an important time of decision for the students of the ministry, my role as a pastor for them, and my duty as a dad and husband to get my kids to sleep. I was frustrated. I wanted to do such a good job for my sheep, for my friends, my leaders. I wanted to give them everything to get one step closer to Christ. But I could not ignore my family, I could not ignore my loved ones as they struggled through resting for the evening. So I reluctantly made the decision to help my family and turn over responsibility to Arjay.
Now, don't misunderstand me. I say reluctantly because I care deeply for those in my care. It is not easy for me to hand over those I care about to someone else. I want to make sure to care, protect, and prepare them for what lies ahead.
I am also not the type of person that abandons his family. At least, I don't want to be. When I became a minister, I have been warned and do not want to make the mistake of abandoning my family for the sake of my calling.
As I lay in bed waiting for my sons to settle down with my wife, I began to think why this upset me so much. I began to wonder why there was so much anger and frustration as I was helping to put my children to bed and do something as simple as lying next to my 3 year old son. As the quiet began to encompass the room, I looked at my son, he looked at me, closed his eyes and fell asleep. He was exhausted and drifted off peacefully. My presence with him brought him peace and that was what he needed. It reminded me that this family that God has blessed with me with is my first ministry.
These thoughts dwelled with me as I could not go to sleep and wanted to know how our campfire session went. I slipped out of our room to see what was going on near the campfire. I looked to see a group of people worshipping in loving unity around a fire, laughing, joking - fellowship in all it's purity and authenticity. I sat in the back and just observed this happen before my eyes.
Commitments were all written down and celebrated together. Friends and family began to share life together...all without me. I then truly realized that I had done something I did not intend: I claimed this ministry, these people, sheep, as my own. But they are NOT. Yes, I am responsible for them, God has tasked me with the honor. But there are others He has brought for this time and place, and I cannot claim ownership of it all. I must trust that God is the one who watches over them, and He has given them to me. He is the one responsible and He will do what is necessary. God placed a great friend that I know and trust personally. I must trust that God is working in Him as well to do His great work. If it were only up to me, this ministry would fail.
Luke 14:26 - "He was not saying that this person cannot be good and upright, but that he cannot be someone over whom Jesus can write the word Mine. Any one of the relationships our Lord mentions in this verse can compete with our relationship with Him." - Oswald Chambers
They are not MINE. I need to rest in Him and make sure they look to Him, whatever that costs me, and I need to focus on Him, to ensure that I do not stray from His Will for me. None of this is MINE. I apologize Lord to think that it could be anything else or thinking I could do it without you.
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