Teenagers, wife, and ministry...how things have changed.

 If I am looking at this date correctly, I think it has been over 10 years since I posted on this blog. I recall I started this as a means to reflect on the things that God has been doing in my life. Since the previous posts, I believe that life has gone past like a blur.

    First of all, I can't believe that this blog still exists. Just goes to show you the internet never forgets. I have spent a good portion of the past few years avoiding to post anything on social media, let alone type anything on a blog, and I think this has existed since the beginnings of seminary. Now I am using it to provide an outlet to see if I am able to heal after so long of challenges and victories, disappointments and successes, highs and lows. I could spend days trying to describe it all, but I think I will summarize because I think my son needs a ride home.

Since 2013....

• Spent 7 years church planting
• Resigned and returned home to Hilo to be with family
• Taught for 3 years at a Christian school
• Reunited and lived with sister's family under a roof
• Separated and lived under our own roof
• Started a job in a school
• Sister and family moved to another state
• Boys grew up and became teens and pre-teens
• Found a church and began serving
• Left a church and found another church to serve

Wow. That's the summary. Even the summary is a lot.

I find myself reflecting on so much that has happened, and I cannot believe it. I am still waiting for my small brain to process it all. And I think the truth is, I never will be able to. These seasons have affected me so much, I think I am beginning to realize that the process of understanding is taking longer than usual for me to figure out. Makes sense, because I do feel rushed and tired. I lack passion and drive, yet I still need to keep going forward. This is the healing time...and I hope to see some relief upcoming. For now, I take the time I have, and press on, knowing my God is good. I am definitely not the same man I was when this blog began, but I am a man who still believes. Let's see what you do God between this post and the next one to come...hopefully not as long as 10 years....

Lessons after a family camp...

Let me just put it out there. Things NEVER go according to plan.

Lately with ministry ramping up and family transitions going on, it is getting more and more difficult to find the time to do everything we want to do. I love my family, I do anything for them. One thing I cannot seem to get past is finding peace in when things are so chaotic and emotionally taxing. I admit that I have these small pockets of time to gain some quiet and peace, but they do not last long. Or maybe, I feel they are not long enough. Then before we know it, the rollercoaster starts all over again.

Why do I mention this? It is important to remember how you were before Christ changed you in some way. Upon your first day of accepting Him as your savior to the point where you have matured and grown in Him, it is important to see the things you have struggled through, and know where you are, so that you can see what God is doing in your life.

I believe the most memorable time this camp for me was experiencing the campfire session. We had just completed the sermon time with Arjay and now we were waiting to get the fire lit for the intimate time together. Mason and Micah had been up all day and now they were showing signs of needing to go to bed. Miki seemed to be struggling with them for most of the day, and now wanted to share this time with the group as well. But we had to think of the kids.

I was torn between an important time of decision for the students of the ministry, my role as a pastor for them, and my duty as a dad and husband to get my kids to sleep. I was frustrated. I wanted to do such a good job for my sheep, for my friends, my leaders. I wanted to give them everything to get one step closer to Christ. But I could not ignore my family, I could not ignore my loved ones as they struggled through resting for the evening. So I reluctantly made the decision to help my family and turn over responsibility to Arjay.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I say reluctantly because I care deeply for those in my care. It is not easy for me to hand over those I care about to someone else. I want to make sure to care, protect, and prepare them for what lies ahead.

I am also not the type of person that abandons his family. At least, I don't want to be. When I became a minister, I have been warned and do not want to make the mistake of abandoning my family for the sake of my calling.

As I lay in bed waiting for my sons to settle down with my wife, I began to think why this upset me so much. I began to wonder why there was so much anger and frustration as I was helping to put my children to bed and do something as simple as lying next to my 3 year old son. As the quiet began to encompass the room, I looked at my son, he looked at me, closed his eyes and fell asleep. He was exhausted and drifted off peacefully. My presence with him brought him peace and that was what he needed. It reminded me that this family that God has blessed with me with is my first ministry.

These thoughts dwelled with me as I could not go to sleep and wanted to know how our campfire session went. I slipped out of our room to see what was going on near the campfire. I looked to see a group of people worshipping in loving unity around a fire, laughing, joking - fellowship in all it's purity and authenticity. I sat in the back and just observed this happen before my eyes.

Commitments were all written down and celebrated together. Friends and family began to share life together...all without me. I then truly realized that I had done something I did not intend: I claimed this ministry, these people, sheep, as my own. But they are NOT. Yes, I am responsible for them, God has tasked me with the honor. But there are others He has brought for this time and place, and I cannot claim ownership of it all. I must trust that God is the one who watches over them, and He has given them to me. He is the one responsible and He will do what is necessary. God placed a great friend that I know and trust personally. I must trust that God is working in Him as well to do His great work. If it were only up to me, this ministry would fail.

Luke 14:26 - "He was not saying that this person cannot be good and upright, but that he cannot be someone over whom Jesus can write the word Mine. Any one of the relationships our Lord mentions in this verse can compete with our relationship with Him." - Oswald Chambers

They are not MINE. I need to rest in Him and make sure they look to Him, whatever that costs me, and I need to focus on Him, to ensure that I do not stray from His Will for me. None of this is MINE. I apologize Lord to think that it could be anything else or thinking I could do it without you.

Humbled yet again...

Right now, we are in day 3 of our local, week long mission trip. As a church, we decided to go to a local missionary here in the islands and help out with her ministry to the Chuukese kids of the Waianae coast. While still on our home island, it is different place and setting, something we are not used to for everyone since we all live near the city.

Now I have been on mission before, not many, but in different states, countries, and areas. But this was definitely a challenge. And in the role of a pastor, even more so than before. For me, mission work has always been me being part of the action, getting my hands dirty and getting in with the people head first. But for this season, I have to admit, that it has been more difficult than I can fathom right now, and it is hard for me because I cannot do as much as I would like to, or more to the point, as much as would make me feel like I was actually BEING a servant.

But then I see Monalisa. She is eager to show how much she trusts me. She falls into my arms to let me know that she has faith that I will catch her, that I will not let her fall to the ground. She giggles with the fact that I trust her to hold my hand and lead me around the playground and capture the ball so that we can win the game. She learns about faith and trust in Jesus through playing with me for just a moment, clings to me like a monkey for a piggyback and poses for a picture.

I am not naive. She may never know the lesson she has learned from the Bible today. But she has seen the love of Jesus through someone who would never normally have the chance if God was not in control. And she blessed a man who thought that he was meant to minister to a bunch of young men but instead was blessed by a little girl and her friends to that got to see the tender side of a man who loves to see children happy.

I cannot run around like I used to...touch football and capture the flag I am sorry to say are things I cannot keep up with as much anymore. But I can help support and encourage those who are ready, willing and able to do that kind of work for the Lord. It is not my time or my place to dictate what I need to do, it is simply the Lord who tells me where I need to join in. Sorry Lord for messing it up yet again, thank you Lord again for letting me experience it.

After 7 years...

Today marks 7 years of marriage to my wonderful wife. I cannot believe that it has passed so quickly. It has been an amazing 7 years that seems to have gone so quick. I can still remember the day pretty vividly as I look around at the wedding pictures in my office.

I remember thinking how long I have anticipated the day when I could make the vows in front of family and Miki, promising to love, honor and cherish her for the rest of my life. As I look at the youthful picture with me and my groomsmen, we look so vibrant and ready to take on what lie ahead. As I stare at the second picture with me and Miki in black and white, I remember our exhausting day, but joyful relief as the day was complete and we were officially married.

Now, after 3 years in seminary, two boys, and grueling movements from apartments in California to a new start in Hawaii, I have got to say that we are tired. It has been a challenge to where we have been to be where we are now. We have gone kicking and screaming through some stages in our marriage, but here we are back in Hawaii, the place where it all began. Now a pastor of a small congregation, I just officiated my first wedding to one of the groomsmen in my "wolf pack." Do I tell him the challenges that lie ahead? I pray that as I have shared with him the vows he has taken for his new bride, that he remember that the key is the headship of God as he intended in marriage.

It has been difficult to remain positive as I have gone through the challenge of raising children and still providing financially for my family as the years have gone by. When Miki and I got married, we never imagined having two kids this fast. God has an interesting way of altering our plans. This altering and shaping has caused me many times to be irritable, angered, and frustrated, as so much has had to change so fast, and sacrifices needed to be made for the sake of the children. It is easy to forget the joy that children bring.

Then I read the choice of following the Lord in Joshua. I read that we need to remember and renew the covenant that we made with our Father in heaven, and how that commitment stems from a love and desire to want to be with Him. Then we remember all the things He has done for us, the things he has brought us out of and through. And you cannot help but fall to your knees and thank Him for being who He is...such a loving Father who wants to see the best for you.

My wife is tired, but she has so much faith and love for the Lord, it scares me. Her devotion to the family and God has been a joy to watch in action, as she has matured further in such a short time. And yet she remains humble, harmonious, supportive, and steadfast to me and the boys. Not bad for someone who did not think she would be a great mother or wife. I cannot imagine being the man for God I am today if I was not blessed by her loving partnership. I praise my Lord for all the things He has brought us through in these 7 years, and celebrate in joy in bringing us closer to Him and each other in all that time. We have two healthy, active, and hungry boys, who run us ragged, but have been blessed with so much love and attention by God's people. They are such great kids.

Lord thank you for reminding me of everything you have given and brought us through. May our lives continue to honor and glorify you for those who come to your throne. We look forward to the anniversaries ahead, the altars and markers of your presence in our lives!

Are you seeking?

Have you ever sought God with your whole heart, or have you simply given Him a feeble cry after some emotionally painful experience? ....Are you thirsty, or complacent and indifferent-so satisfied with your own experience that you want nothing more of God? Experience is a doorway, not a final goal. Wow Lord, thank you for blessing us with Oswald Chambers.

A Sunday evening wakeup call...back in Hawaii

Wow. It has been a long time since I posted in this blog. I just looked at the date of my last one...it has been a little over TWO years now. I think I might need to turn fully electronic now, I forgot my journal at home, and I wanted to make sure to record these thought to ensure I remember what God has been doing in my life. Probably need to remember to put things in my bag before coming to work...

Last night was quite a long evening. Mason woke up in the middle of the night to night terrors I think. First time we have experienced it. Well, maybe first time we got to define it. MD sites say that it is because of possibly interruption of sleep. I think we may have pushed him too hard through the day and did not keep him on the sleep schedule. Very scary. He wakes up and lets out blood curdling cries of pain and suffering. There is nothing to be done about them. Experts say soothing them makes it worse. There is nothing to be done but make sure that toddlers do not hurt themselves and wait till they calm down. Of course, this is intensified by the emotional type of guy that Mason is. I would know, he got it from me. :) There is nothing we can do and on top of that, I have to remain strong for him, and let him work through the emotions. All without getting frustrated and angry that I am not able to get a good night sleep after a long Sunday.

Then I read Psalms 38, the suffering of the sinner. Hearing the pain of suffering, not be able to control it, being overwhelmed by the power of sin and doing nothing but to be able to hang on and rely on God for the hope of it's relief. Having the power of the guilt and pain overcome the entire being, without being able to hear, or make sense of anything. Complete and total reliance on God. As a mortal father, I understand the limitations I have, even as being a servant of the Almighty. It overwhelms me to think that I cannot do anything for my son, and yet to know that my Father in heaven is holding everything in his hand. This time shall pass. I need to remember to cling to the hope of the presence of the Lord, and cry out to him. He is enough to take on the challenge of hopelessness, because He is hope. May I cry out for Him, remembering that I cannot do everything of my own power or action. But in His power all is possible. A desperate pursuit of Him, may I get to that point.

Overwhelmed...but not...

I laugh at this statement, but I know it might become serious for me in the future. I have learned so much that I don't know what to make of it all, yet sometimes I find myself saying such profound things...I only know it comes from the Holy Spirit. I know some people say that frivolously sometimes, but that is the only way I can describe it. The encounter with the Spirit always stays with you, spills over into many different aspects you can only begin to imagine. I hope that I never get tired of it, or get prideful of it. I don't think God has designed me that way. I think He has designed me to have this ongoing humility and inadequacy...yet at the same time, I still let pride get in the way. Isn't that some sort of paradox? I don't think so. The realization that I am ill-equipped to accomplish His tasks, yet, at the same time, fighting the ongoing nature of sinfulness...definitely the lot of Christian struggle. But there is definitely one truth that outshines it all...God knows what He is doing. His nature will not allow the good...His nature demands the BEST. I cannot be overwhelmed when I know this and obey Him as he speaks to me. I thank you Lord for all you have done to me and for me according to Your Will.